Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Heartbreak warfare

Why do I only get comments from people that don't speak english?

My ankle hurts, my heart's broken, and I'm sick of fucking everything up. I change who I am to make someone else feel more comfortable, and instead he wants what I was to begin with. I honestly never though someone could admire the asshole in me. The straightforward, brave, headstrong individual that had an argument for everything, and an opinion for anything. No. A more civilized person, possibly from the city, would want a lady. Someone refined and easy to charm. Eloquent, timid and meek. No. Wrong. And now that the impression has been made, I'm just one big lie. I have to realize that wanting something so badly is the worst thing I could do. I shouldn't have let myself fall for him... I should have seen that what he wanted was never me. I don't even dress right... I'm so overwhelmed with failure. Every single relationship I look back on has ended because of my stupidity. Naive...Ignorant...Naive...and as for this one?? Stubbornness. Of all things... thanks Dad.

I honestly don't know what to do.

I want to move on, but no one is going to compare. And why?? What did he do that made such a huge impact?? I have no idea. He was nothing special. He bought me expensive presents... but money doesn't mean as much to me. He offered his home to me whenever I needed it... he wasn't the first. He tried to change for me, all the things he didn't want to do he did for me... that was a first, among others. And I overlooked it. What did I change for him? My attitude. And it wasn't enough. I can sit here and pinpoint what i should have done, but what good is it? The longer i dwell on this the more I realize he is better off without me. Too much stress for a relationship... no. Stress is a part of life. Being with someone else relieves stress because they are supposed to make you feel better, they even the weight and share the load. Being with them makes the weight of the world disappear. It wasn't a relationship in general that was stressful, it was me. I'm so overbearing... but why? Because I want everything to be perfect. His unhappiness is not acceptable. If I can't do anything to make it better than what good am I? Wrong... and now I see it. Even if there is a "we" he will always be an individual. No matter how much he "loves" me or cares, he will always be one person, alone, against the world.

I want that one person to share all of this with.
That's what I'm looking for.
That one person that's different from a best friend or family... because you can tell them anything and no matter what you say, they'll still feel the same way about you.
It doesn't matter how big or small, positive or negative.
You want to share with them, and they want to hear it.
That's what I'm looking for.
I don't need a driver, a bank account, a porn star, a babysitter, a shadow...
I need a promise.
"I will always be here for you."
Are you out there?

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