Friday, May 28, 2010

Endurance

Exhaustion.
Such a strong word.
But behind it's meaning... such fragility.
I see sweat, tears, pain, aching muscles, tired legs, worn feet, rough hands, empty eyes.
I feel nothing.
It's to this point of exertion that I am numb, without feeling, emotion, responsibility.
Nothing registers.
How dangerous...

But I feel as if i could wander for days amidst this lack of substance. I am so worn that I have blended into the mix.
Autopilot.
I no longer see the boundary, the finish line, it is long gone.
I see no reason in rest.
No justification in ceasing.
No benefit to discontinue the next step forward.
How long will I last?

I can not sleep, for fear of the terror that awaits my subconscious.
The agonizing terrors of my inner most fears that only awaken should I retire my last defense.
The screams, and darkness that haunt the one place I have left as my comfort; my once source of stability, reason, and motivation; continue to poison me.
I fall... and fall, and tug at all i have left to save me, but to no avail.
Still I fall.
Unsure as to when I'll reach the bottom.
Or what lies at the ends of this depth.

I find no comfort in eating.
I consume less and less every day.
It worries me, but I can only force myself so much before I become nauseated.
It frustrates me so.
I have nothing to fuel me, and so much remains to be done.

Alone time is what hurts the most.
I waste away in the emptiness...
I think better in the company of others.
I can not remove my concentration from my surroundings unless I feel safe.
I do not feel safe alone.
No one else desires company in the ways I do.
So I deal with solitude as best I can, but unfortunately I can only last so long at this point.

I'm not sure what makes me so fragile.
I can't explain where my strengths lie waiting.
It only takes so much for them to be exposed.
And yet it takes so little to send them retreating back behind my doubts.


My goal is to be the person I am when I feel safe, all the time.
I shouldn't change based on my surroundings.
I am strong enough.
Self doubt has set me in terrible circumstance thus far.
Why continue?



Here I go.
Step one.
How long can I last?

1 comment:

  1. i love this. where do you get your inspirations from?
    check out mine if you have time and let me know how it is..:)

    ReplyDelete