Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Heart Last

well you left in a hurry
forgot some things here with me.
besides a heartbroken girl and
a dozen memories.

but i'm sure you don't need them
sure you've done this before
in fact i know how you play now
but i wont start that war.

don't you wanna be happy?
don't you hate bein sad?
but you're still gonna sit there,
and throw away what we had.
see, i'm tired of hurtin,
and i swear you're the last
time i'll fall for a guy who's
gonna leave me like that.
i'm not sayin come save me,
babe i'm already gone.
i just want you to realize,
that this time you were wrong.

people tell me to realize
i'm too good to feel down
and i'll be fine in a hurry
just keep lookin around.

search for someone who loves you
and doesn't need you right now
they need a person like you do
to always be around.

don't you wanna be happy?
don't you hate bein sad?
but you're still gonna sit there,
and throw away what we had.
see, i'm tired of hurtin,
and i swear you're the last
time i'll fall for a guy who's
gonna leave me like that.
i'm not sayin come save me,
babe i'm already gone.
i just want you to realize,
that this time you were wrong.

i'm tired of waitin,
and i'm not gonna cry
like the texts that i sent you
that got no reply

i'll just look past the feelings
i'll ignore all your grief
when you realize there's no one
that'll love you like me.

i know you wanna be happy
no one likes being sad
but you're still gonna sit there
and throw away what we had.
for me, there's no more hurtin
boy, you're stuck in the past
and you'll regret that you always
thought of my heart last.

Sunday, May 30, 2010

All I want is answers.
Is no man brave enough to come out and say what they're feeling, how they're feeling it, to what strength or weakness...? Wouldn't that make everything so much easier?? Why is it wrong to wear your heart, feelings, emotions on your sleeve? Honesty solves problems, and prevents them too.
If i can do it so can you.
Please.
Be a man about this one thing...
and tell me how you feel.

Friday, May 28, 2010

Endurance

Exhaustion.
Such a strong word.
But behind it's meaning... such fragility.
I see sweat, tears, pain, aching muscles, tired legs, worn feet, rough hands, empty eyes.
I feel nothing.
It's to this point of exertion that I am numb, without feeling, emotion, responsibility.
Nothing registers.
How dangerous...

But I feel as if i could wander for days amidst this lack of substance. I am so worn that I have blended into the mix.
Autopilot.
I no longer see the boundary, the finish line, it is long gone.
I see no reason in rest.
No justification in ceasing.
No benefit to discontinue the next step forward.
How long will I last?

I can not sleep, for fear of the terror that awaits my subconscious.
The agonizing terrors of my inner most fears that only awaken should I retire my last defense.
The screams, and darkness that haunt the one place I have left as my comfort; my once source of stability, reason, and motivation; continue to poison me.
I fall... and fall, and tug at all i have left to save me, but to no avail.
Still I fall.
Unsure as to when I'll reach the bottom.
Or what lies at the ends of this depth.

I find no comfort in eating.
I consume less and less every day.
It worries me, but I can only force myself so much before I become nauseated.
It frustrates me so.
I have nothing to fuel me, and so much remains to be done.

Alone time is what hurts the most.
I waste away in the emptiness...
I think better in the company of others.
I can not remove my concentration from my surroundings unless I feel safe.
I do not feel safe alone.
No one else desires company in the ways I do.
So I deal with solitude as best I can, but unfortunately I can only last so long at this point.

I'm not sure what makes me so fragile.
I can't explain where my strengths lie waiting.
It only takes so much for them to be exposed.
And yet it takes so little to send them retreating back behind my doubts.


My goal is to be the person I am when I feel safe, all the time.
I shouldn't change based on my surroundings.
I am strong enough.
Self doubt has set me in terrible circumstance thus far.
Why continue?



Here I go.
Step one.
How long can I last?

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; Courage to change the things I can; And wisdom to know the difference.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Idk why I wrote this...

Keep your head.
Temptation...
Don't lose track. You know what you want, and there's no looking back.
No jealousy.
Things are what they are.
Don't get caught up in what takes him out to the bar.
You are beautiful.
Strong.
What every man needs.
He sent you away, find a new heart to please.
Do better, keep moving.
Turn your head from the flame.
Passion is lustful when love has no name.
Keep moving, my lady,
Move away now, you must.
Move on into the arms
That can hold you in trust.
Move away my sweet lady,
Take your heart some place safe.
This house is no home for another mistake.
Take pride in the laughs,
And take note of the pain,
He was your one and only,
You were one of the same.
As the distance will grow
I can promise you'll see
That in love you were then,
And in time still may be.
But keep moving, i promise
You'll soon reach the shore
And what awaits are the dreams
You've been dreaming, and more.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Heartbreak warfare

Why do I only get comments from people that don't speak english?

My ankle hurts, my heart's broken, and I'm sick of fucking everything up. I change who I am to make someone else feel more comfortable, and instead he wants what I was to begin with. I honestly never though someone could admire the asshole in me. The straightforward, brave, headstrong individual that had an argument for everything, and an opinion for anything. No. A more civilized person, possibly from the city, would want a lady. Someone refined and easy to charm. Eloquent, timid and meek. No. Wrong. And now that the impression has been made, I'm just one big lie. I have to realize that wanting something so badly is the worst thing I could do. I shouldn't have let myself fall for him... I should have seen that what he wanted was never me. I don't even dress right... I'm so overwhelmed with failure. Every single relationship I look back on has ended because of my stupidity. Naive...Ignorant...Naive...and as for this one?? Stubbornness. Of all things... thanks Dad.

I honestly don't know what to do.

I want to move on, but no one is going to compare. And why?? What did he do that made such a huge impact?? I have no idea. He was nothing special. He bought me expensive presents... but money doesn't mean as much to me. He offered his home to me whenever I needed it... he wasn't the first. He tried to change for me, all the things he didn't want to do he did for me... that was a first, among others. And I overlooked it. What did I change for him? My attitude. And it wasn't enough. I can sit here and pinpoint what i should have done, but what good is it? The longer i dwell on this the more I realize he is better off without me. Too much stress for a relationship... no. Stress is a part of life. Being with someone else relieves stress because they are supposed to make you feel better, they even the weight and share the load. Being with them makes the weight of the world disappear. It wasn't a relationship in general that was stressful, it was me. I'm so overbearing... but why? Because I want everything to be perfect. His unhappiness is not acceptable. If I can't do anything to make it better than what good am I? Wrong... and now I see it. Even if there is a "we" he will always be an individual. No matter how much he "loves" me or cares, he will always be one person, alone, against the world.

I want that one person to share all of this with.
That's what I'm looking for.
That one person that's different from a best friend or family... because you can tell them anything and no matter what you say, they'll still feel the same way about you.
It doesn't matter how big or small, positive or negative.
You want to share with them, and they want to hear it.
That's what I'm looking for.
I don't need a driver, a bank account, a porn star, a babysitter, a shadow...
I need a promise.
"I will always be here for you."
Are you out there?

Monday, April 26, 2010

Fresh start

I'm beginning to wish I hadn't deleted my blog.
Sometimes I let my emotions get the better of me.
At the time I just couldn't bring myself to read some of the posts I vented to, or admitted to, or confessed to.
Maybe this go around I'll be more conservative.
... we'll see how long that lasts.

I've gotten a new perspective, recently, on life. By dating a guy from the city I've grown in immeasurable ways. My comfort zone has expanded; I'm more trusting and willing to try new things that I wouldn't have shaken a stick at before. I'm realizing that the things I thought badly of weren't, in reality, really what I'd imagined, and how I imagined things are nothing like what they truly are. I've been set in my place. For once, humbled by falsehood. And I mean that in no way pompous of my ability to make correct judgements. But I find that it is seldom that I make judgements based on no evidence. I do draw conclusions based on little evidence, but I do not intertwine reality with fantasy, apart from my own day dreams. It feels good to be set aback. Like a child running down a hill, only to realize the hill is steeper than one was initially prepared to handle, and with each impact beneath the soles of my shoes I can feel the unsteadiness in my legs as momentum propels me towards certain demise... but the hill flattens out and possibly even heads uphill, and it is here I've found my stability again, and I can breathe a sigh of relief.
I believe we all need to think about walking downhill from now on. It seems easy enough to let the contour of the land take us as it may, to let our muscles relax and coast down at the will of gravity. But what happens if the bottom is further than we predicted? What of the fatigue we can not predict, or the unseen imperfection in the ground we entrust so carelessly?
We take each day in stride, I am merely suggesting we shorten our stride, as to widen our gaze.

Isn't it easier to observe where you are, or where you're going, when the pace is tamed?
I'd even let someone else drive for a while... someone I trusted. Someone I could depend on to steer me in the right direction.

Advice?

So maybe I'll let him drive here and there. He's done a fair job so far. And what could it hurt? He'd only be there to comfort me if we're to lose our way. I guess it proves life is better spent together.